if i’ve cooked you a meal, i love you.
if i remember what your favorite drink is, i love you.
if i’ve sent you a late night email, i love you.
if i’ve texted you an inside joke out of nowhere, i love you.
if i’ve remembered to lend you an article or book or CD i promised to lend you, i love you.
if i tell you i love you, i love you.
if i forget to tell you i love you, i love you.
one thing i’ve felt quite acutely since all of my brain chemicals have slowed down the rate at which they fight with one another is that a significant chunk of my negativity, cynicism, anxiety and overall agita comes from a fear that those i love won’t love me. it comes from a need to be needed. it comes from a tension between how i feel and how i worry that i am perceived. and as i feel that fade, i find things.
so there’s this: i’ve always had a hard time understanding the gap between myself and others. it’s a fine seam, a divot on the roof of my mouth i tongue constantly but can never find when i need to. always, when i’ve meant to get close i’ve pulled back; when distance is paramount i find i’m flesh to flesh. i don’t know where i stop and you start and i have a hard time knowing how to seem separate for the sake of society.
and then there’s this: as i “get better” (a phrase i reject) i start to see that this isn’t a bug but a feature. i’m a scorpio, you know? i bond intensely. my affection is deep. our love is real. that intensity isn’t something to apologize about, to hide or mask or take abuse for. anyone who shits on it is garbage. anyone who fears it is hurting (and i love them and cherish their hurt, too).
what i can’t abide, what i don’t love, is all the time i’ve spent afraid to express my positivity as readily as my negativity. i always assert that cynics are optimists - we wouldn’t be so bratty if we didn’t believe things could be better. and in so many key ways that belief has shaped my personality, my sense of humor, my whole life. but the reality is i’ve spent most of my post-pubescent life living in the confines of a self-created abrasiveness; a false shield i built so no one would ever have to know how deeply i revere everything. i’m tired of pretending to be someone i’m not. i’m tired of pretending not to love you.
oh holy cats, i relate.
i feel so much of this.
i love all of it.